Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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