I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
