I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
