he wants to bone in the snuggie
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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