I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
