can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
