my phone needs a breathalizer
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize