Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
