new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
