You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
