ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
