you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
