i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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