I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
organizing the empties. That sober.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
