mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
