I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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