I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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