Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
