Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
