oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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