Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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