i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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