when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
