Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
