I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize