I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
A bitchslap is in order.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
