i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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