I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
