Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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