Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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