I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
