I have demons in me.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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