Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
