Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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