we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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