i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize