you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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