M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
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