in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
