My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You are the jesus of drinking
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
