My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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