You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
