Soap is not a condiment
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
then he tried to convert me to islam
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
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