I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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