Heybabeimwearingurpanties
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
