this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
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He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
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So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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