i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
