I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
