At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
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