I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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