naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
