final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
