Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
