Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
the condom got lost in my hair
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
