Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
