And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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