I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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