I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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