I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
