don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
