ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
